Sitting in the hospital crying my eyes out. Discovered that in all my pregnancies infection has been present and a probable cause. I hadn't been told this before. It's too much to take in.
They have made a plan for future pregnancies - like they always do. But the plan never works does it!
And why oh why do they make me sit in the ante-natal clinic full of smiling parents to be? Do they wish to torture me even more?
Monday, 12 December 2011
Sunday, 11 December 2011
Bitter/sweet symphony
Tomorrow I have an appointment with a high risk pre-pregnancy clinic. I'm already dreading going over my history. Hopefully they will keep me up to date with any developments that may prevent another loss in the future.
My husband was told by some friends this afternoon that they are expecting again. They were worried about telling us. I honestly mean it when I say I'd rather know than not be told and find out much later on. I'd even suspected as much but that didn't stop my heart breaking and my eyes shedding a few tears.
Life's such a mess at times. Your feelings and emotions just get so scrambled and confused. Bitter/sweet. Happy/sad. It's a fine line for me these days which isn't how it should be.
I'm going to the cemetery tomorrow - to take christmas cards to the graves. Maybe I'll see more clearly afterwards.
My husband was told by some friends this afternoon that they are expecting again. They were worried about telling us. I honestly mean it when I say I'd rather know than not be told and find out much later on. I'd even suspected as much but that didn't stop my heart breaking and my eyes shedding a few tears.
Life's such a mess at times. Your feelings and emotions just get so scrambled and confused. Bitter/sweet. Happy/sad. It's a fine line for me these days which isn't how it should be.
I'm going to the cemetery tomorrow - to take christmas cards to the graves. Maybe I'll see more clearly afterwards.
Sunday, 27 November 2011
Paper Lanterns
We sent a couple of paper lanterns into the night sky recently - I hope my girls saw them. Love you my precious darlings.
Your brother spoke about you today - he misses you both so very much. I hope you are being good girls. Love always Mummy x
Your brother spoke about you today - he misses you both so very much. I hope you are being good girls. Love always Mummy x
Sunday, 23 October 2011
Cruel Reality
Tonight midway through a reality show on TV a Pampers advertisement came on.
I turned away from the TV as I felt that terrible pang in my heart. But the TV was reflecting in the window behind me and the music continued in my ears - by the time I could have reached the remote control it would have ended anyway.
Me, I just cried and my hubby came over and held me and I didn't need to explain why.
I turned away from the TV as I felt that terrible pang in my heart. But the TV was reflecting in the window behind me and the music continued in my ears - by the time I could have reached the remote control it would have ended anyway.
Me, I just cried and my hubby came over and held me and I didn't need to explain why.
Friday, 16 September 2011
This just says it all
Ask my mum how she is....
My Mum, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mum how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mum how she is,
She'll say"I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ?
Ask my Mum how she is
She seems to cope so well,
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mum how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mum, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken
She'll love me all her life
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say,
"You're lucky to get in here, Mum,
With all the lies you told!"
Auther Unknown
My Mum, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mum how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mum how she is,
She'll say"I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ?
Ask my Mum how she is
She seems to cope so well,
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mum how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mum, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken
She'll love me all her life
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say,
"You're lucky to get in here, Mum,
With all the lies you told!"
Auther Unknown
Monday, 29 August 2011
pregnancy envy
Ok I got it! I'm holding my hands up and admitting it. I truly feel sick in doing so but all these celebs parading their joyous news across every website, magazine and tv show in the last week has got to me today. I switch off at every opportunity.
I guess it doesn't help that I discovered once again that actually I'm not pregnant today.
Of course I can't tell anyone I'm jealous as anything that these people, that I hasten to add I don't even know, are going to be having babies soon enough. What kind of a person does that make me?
Human I guess.
Tomorrow I'll be happy for them, just not today.
Pregnancy envy is really not nice and I'm sorry I am but I just am.
I guess it doesn't help that I discovered once again that actually I'm not pregnant today.
Of course I can't tell anyone I'm jealous as anything that these people, that I hasten to add I don't even know, are going to be having babies soon enough. What kind of a person does that make me?
Human I guess.
Tomorrow I'll be happy for them, just not today.
Pregnancy envy is really not nice and I'm sorry I am but I just am.
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
This week has brought 3 old friends who live a long way away to ask - 'how long have you got left?' via my Facebook wall.
I so wish I could say the couple of weeks it should have been but I private message them to fill them in.
A couple of months have passed but my due date is looming - already dreading that funny milestone.
As tears start rolling i'll sign off. I miss you my darling. Both of you xx
I so wish I could say the couple of weeks it should have been but I private message them to fill them in.
A couple of months have passed but my due date is looming - already dreading that funny milestone.
As tears start rolling i'll sign off. I miss you my darling. Both of you xx
Friday, 6 May 2011
the flow of tears
Sometimes I feel I spend all my time putting a brave face on it and then when I do finally start to cry I just cant stop.
Saturday, 30 April 2011
Babyfest
Yesterday found me at a party surrounded by gorgeous newborns - all adorable. I managed a weak congratulations to a couple of parents but i was fighting back the tears and couldn't manage a cuddle or to say anything else. I left the room and disappeared upstairs - shortly followed by hubby who'd had exactly the same thoughts as me :(
Sunday, 24 April 2011
letter of apology
Following on from my post about the midwives offering their congratulations... my sister complained to her health visitor about what had happened to me. My sister thought it was disgusting. I personally probably wouldn't have complained as it would have been too painful and to be honest I have more on my mind right now. However the health visitor reported back to the powers that be and I received a letter from the head of midwifery. The letter apologises and says she is taking this matter very seriously, the midwives involved have been spoken to and are extremely sorry (I already knew that) and she is working with all the midwives to ensure that this never happens to a bereaved parent again. For that alone I am grateful as there really is no need to make what is already a distressing time even more difficult. So to the head of midwifery - thank you.
Thursday, 21 April 2011
starry skies
I have been unable to write about the funeral service yet, it's too painful.
Meanwhile I have been trying to keep busy and the school holidays have meant I have a little man to entertain and his birthday party to organise. I break down often but it's in private and i seem to be managing to cope with day to day life without being a total wreck.
My son made me smile tonight. we looked at the sky and i asked him which 2 stars were his sisters and we chose two bright shining ones. As we walked towards the house he hugged me tight and told me I was his best shining star. A precious moment I will treasure i wonder if his sisters told him to say that? Oh gosh I am crying again, time to sign off...
Meanwhile I have been trying to keep busy and the school holidays have meant I have a little man to entertain and his birthday party to organise. I break down often but it's in private and i seem to be managing to cope with day to day life without being a total wreck.
My son made me smile tonight. we looked at the sky and i asked him which 2 stars were his sisters and we chose two bright shining ones. As we walked towards the house he hugged me tight and told me I was his best shining star. A precious moment I will treasure i wonder if his sisters told him to say that? Oh gosh I am crying again, time to sign off...
Monday, 4 April 2011
oops they did it again
Today, a midwife rolls up to my cottage, scales in hand ready to weigh my new arrival offering her congratulations and telling me how handy my new porch is for the pram! I burst into tears. Once was bad enough. Twice, surely not. A third time, is this some sort of sick joke??
She is lovely, mortified at her error, terribly apologetic and hugs me. I spend half an hour in download mode sobbing profusely.
This afternoon I journey to Mothercare to buy a tiny baby outfit so the undertaker can dress my little girl. I don't want her to be buried naked. i want her to be warm! The dress of course even though it's for a premmie is miles too big.
My son offers up a cuddly butterfly toy of his to place in the coffin and I give up the Mayan necklace I wore throughout the pregnancy to soothe her. I hope if she ever hears it jingle she thinks of her Mummy.
I also spent time writing a letter to my daughter which the vicar will read aloud at the graveside at tomorrows funeral.
My son has made two pictures today which we will attach to two helium balloons tomorrow and he will release them up to the heavens tomorrow for his two sisters.
Today was tough, tomorrow i know will be one of the saddest days of my life.
She is lovely, mortified at her error, terribly apologetic and hugs me. I spend half an hour in download mode sobbing profusely.
This afternoon I journey to Mothercare to buy a tiny baby outfit so the undertaker can dress my little girl. I don't want her to be buried naked. i want her to be warm! The dress of course even though it's for a premmie is miles too big.
My son offers up a cuddly butterfly toy of his to place in the coffin and I give up the Mayan necklace I wore throughout the pregnancy to soothe her. I hope if she ever hears it jingle she thinks of her Mummy.
I also spent time writing a letter to my daughter which the vicar will read aloud at the graveside at tomorrows funeral.
My son has made two pictures today which we will attach to two helium balloons tomorrow and he will release them up to the heavens tomorrow for his two sisters.
Today was tough, tomorrow i know will be one of the saddest days of my life.
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Tough but important day
Today was so hard, we turned up at the town hall to register our daughter. Last time we had to do it we registered a birth and a death. This time we registered our baby girl as being a still-birth. The registrar was so kind, they called us right in, to avoid spending too long with the happy parents and their tiny newborns waiting there to register them. I am happy for them truly I am but inside my heart is breaking all over again. Tears stream down my cheeks and when I try to speak no sound comes out.
We retreat from the registrar's office, clutching our certificate. Our proof of her existence. We hold it like gold dust not wanting it to crumple.
Then we find a local co-operative funeral parlour where they offer to handle everything for us.
We arrange to bury her in front of her sister - they will be together. I am so relieved. Its a comfort to know that they will never be alone now and I'd like to thank islington cemetery for their generosity and kindness. this means so much to us.
I can't write more it's been a long exhausting day.
We retreat from the registrar's office, clutching our certificate. Our proof of her existence. We hold it like gold dust not wanting it to crumple.
Then we find a local co-operative funeral parlour where they offer to handle everything for us.
We arrange to bury her in front of her sister - they will be together. I am so relieved. Its a comfort to know that they will never be alone now and I'd like to thank islington cemetery for their generosity and kindness. this means so much to us.
I can't write more it's been a long exhausting day.
Sunday, 27 March 2011
Saturday, 26 March 2011
Sick of hearing it.
If one more person tells me at least you have your son I think I am going to scream.
I know they are trying to be well meaning, I even find myself humouring them by agreeing when really I want to scream well no actually the fact I have him takes nothing away from how I am feeling today.
Do they think I don't appreciate the son I have enough?
Do they honestly think that it will make all this heartache lessen?
Get real!
When I lost my first daughter they couldn't say it, he wasn't born then. Now it's like well you have him, so the pain wont be as bad?
Well let me tell you it hurts as much today as it did the first time only now I have 2 babies to grieve for so actually the pain has doubled.
And I love all 3 of my children here or in heaven as much as each other so it's not ok that at least I have my son. I should have all 3 here causing a houseful of chaos.
I know they are trying to be well meaning, I even find myself humouring them by agreeing when really I want to scream well no actually the fact I have him takes nothing away from how I am feeling today.
Do they think I don't appreciate the son I have enough?
Do they honestly think that it will make all this heartache lessen?
Get real!
When I lost my first daughter they couldn't say it, he wasn't born then. Now it's like well you have him, so the pain wont be as bad?
Well let me tell you it hurts as much today as it did the first time only now I have 2 babies to grieve for so actually the pain has doubled.
And I love all 3 of my children here or in heaven as much as each other so it's not ok that at least I have my son. I should have all 3 here causing a houseful of chaos.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
You may find me asking that question quite a lot here...
Firstly Why the blog?
It's somewhere to vent my grief, my heartbreak, my anger, my frustration, my sheer desolation.
It's a story almost too sad for words.
Secondly Why Me?
Oh how I wish someone had the answer to that million dollar question.
And now that I am ready to start my story I am really not sure where to begin.
I am at home in bed, it's a Saturday afternoon. I have been home from hospital for 2 days.
I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last Wednesday, only she's not here with me as she should be, she is in heaven and I miss her like nothing else on earth.
My heart is utterly broken.
But not for the first time, you see I had another beautiful baby girl 7 years ago, she is also in heaven and not a day has passed where I don't miss her terribly also.
How could this happen to me again? Why?
Today I feel the weight of a ton of bricks bearing down on my chest, I can hardly breathe, I can't stop crying. I'm going on a journey only it's not a new one and I know what's coming up around the next corner. I don't want to do this again, IT'S NOT FAIR!
I am tired and weak and oh so weary and I need to find some strength to cope from somewhere. It'll show up, it did last time. Just not today.
Why?
Why?
You may find me asking that question quite a lot here...
Firstly Why the blog?
It's somewhere to vent my grief, my heartbreak, my anger, my frustration, my sheer desolation.
It's a story almost too sad for words.
Secondly Why Me?
Oh how I wish someone had the answer to that million dollar question.
And now that I am ready to start my story I am really not sure where to begin.
I am at home in bed, it's a Saturday afternoon. I have been home from hospital for 2 days.
I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last Wednesday, only she's not here with me as she should be, she is in heaven and I miss her like nothing else on earth.
My heart is utterly broken.
But not for the first time, you see I had another beautiful baby girl 7 years ago, she is also in heaven and not a day has passed where I don't miss her terribly also.
How could this happen to me again? Why?
Today I feel the weight of a ton of bricks bearing down on my chest, I can hardly breathe, I can't stop crying. I'm going on a journey only it's not a new one and I know what's coming up around the next corner. I don't want to do this again, IT'S NOT FAIR!
I am tired and weak and oh so weary and I need to find some strength to cope from somewhere. It'll show up, it did last time. Just not today.
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