Can they throw anything else at me?

Today I received a phone call from my hospital to advise me that my combined screening test results show I have a 1 in 60 chance of my baby being born with Downs. I can't write much more I'm still in shock, will offload my thoughts in detail tomorrow.

The Rollercoaster Begins

Today I'm 7 weeks pregnant. It's taken almost two years. I am petrified and cannot allow myself to look forward for fear of history repeating itself. I've opted to go back to my old hospital... better the devil you know I feel. I have my first scan booked in EPDU this afternoon. Wish me luck.

Hospital torture

Sitting in the hospital crying my eyes out. Discovered that in all my pregnancies infection has been present and a probable cause. I hadn't been told this before. It's too much to take in.
They have made a plan for future pregnancies - like they always do. But the plan never works does it!
And why oh why do they make me sit in the ante-natal clinic full of smiling parents to be? Do they wish to torture me even more?

Bitter/sweet symphony

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a high risk pre-pregnancy clinic. I'm already dreading going over my history. Hopefully they will keep me up to date with any developments that may prevent another loss in the future.

My husband was told by some friends this afternoon that they are expecting again. They were worried about telling us. I honestly mean it when I say I'd rather know than not be told and find out much later on. I'd even suspected as much but that didn't stop my heart breaking and my eyes shedding a few tears.

Life's such a mess at times. Your feelings and emotions just get so scrambled and confused. Bitter/sweet. Happy/sad. It's a fine line for me these days which isn't how it should be.

I'm going to the cemetery tomorrow - to take christmas cards to the graves. Maybe I'll see more clearly afterwards.

Paper Lanterns

We sent a couple of paper lanterns into the night sky recently - I hope my girls saw them. Love you my precious darlings.
Your brother spoke about you today - he misses you both so very much. I hope you are being good girls. Love always Mummy x

Cruel Reality

Tonight midway through a reality show on TV a Pampers advertisement came on.
I turned away from the TV as I felt that terrible pang in my heart. But the TV was reflecting in the window behind me and the music continued in my ears - by the time I could have reached the remote control it would have ended anyway.
Me, I just cried and my hubby came over and held me and I didn't need to explain why.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPad]

This just says it all

Ask my mum how she is....

My Mum, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mum how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mum how she is,
She'll say"I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ?
Ask my Mum how she is
She seems to cope so well,
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mum how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mum, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken
She'll love me all her life
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say,
"You're lucky to get in here, Mum,
With all the lies you told!"

Auther Unknown