Today was so hard, we turned up at the town hall to register our daughter. Last time we had to do it we registered a birth and a death. This time we registered our baby girl as being a still-birth. The registrar was so kind, they called us right in, to avoid spending too long with the happy parents and their tiny newborns waiting there to register them. I am happy for them truly I am but inside my heart is breaking all over again. Tears stream down my cheeks and when I try to speak no sound comes out.
We retreat from the registrar's office, clutching our certificate. Our proof of her existence. We hold it like gold dust not wanting it to crumple.
Then we find a local co-operative funeral parlour where they offer to handle everything for us.
We arrange to bury her in front of her sister - they will be together. I am so relieved. Its a comfort to know that they will never be alone now and I'd like to thank islington cemetery for their generosity and kindness. this means so much to us.
I can't write more it's been a long exhausting day.
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Sunday, 27 March 2011
Saturday, 26 March 2011
Sick of hearing it.
If one more person tells me at least you have your son I think I am going to scream.
I know they are trying to be well meaning, I even find myself humouring them by agreeing when really I want to scream well no actually the fact I have him takes nothing away from how I am feeling today.
Do they think I don't appreciate the son I have enough?
Do they honestly think that it will make all this heartache lessen?
Get real!
When I lost my first daughter they couldn't say it, he wasn't born then. Now it's like well you have him, so the pain wont be as bad?
Well let me tell you it hurts as much today as it did the first time only now I have 2 babies to grieve for so actually the pain has doubled.
And I love all 3 of my children here or in heaven as much as each other so it's not ok that at least I have my son. I should have all 3 here causing a houseful of chaos.
I know they are trying to be well meaning, I even find myself humouring them by agreeing when really I want to scream well no actually the fact I have him takes nothing away from how I am feeling today.
Do they think I don't appreciate the son I have enough?
Do they honestly think that it will make all this heartache lessen?
Get real!
When I lost my first daughter they couldn't say it, he wasn't born then. Now it's like well you have him, so the pain wont be as bad?
Well let me tell you it hurts as much today as it did the first time only now I have 2 babies to grieve for so actually the pain has doubled.
And I love all 3 of my children here or in heaven as much as each other so it's not ok that at least I have my son. I should have all 3 here causing a houseful of chaos.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
You may find me asking that question quite a lot here...
Firstly Why the blog?
It's somewhere to vent my grief, my heartbreak, my anger, my frustration, my sheer desolation.
It's a story almost too sad for words.
Secondly Why Me?
Oh how I wish someone had the answer to that million dollar question.
And now that I am ready to start my story I am really not sure where to begin.
I am at home in bed, it's a Saturday afternoon. I have been home from hospital for 2 days.
I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last Wednesday, only she's not here with me as she should be, she is in heaven and I miss her like nothing else on earth.
My heart is utterly broken.
But not for the first time, you see I had another beautiful baby girl 7 years ago, she is also in heaven and not a day has passed where I don't miss her terribly also.
How could this happen to me again? Why?
Today I feel the weight of a ton of bricks bearing down on my chest, I can hardly breathe, I can't stop crying. I'm going on a journey only it's not a new one and I know what's coming up around the next corner. I don't want to do this again, IT'S NOT FAIR!
I am tired and weak and oh so weary and I need to find some strength to cope from somewhere. It'll show up, it did last time. Just not today.
Why?
Why?
You may find me asking that question quite a lot here...
Firstly Why the blog?
It's somewhere to vent my grief, my heartbreak, my anger, my frustration, my sheer desolation.
It's a story almost too sad for words.
Secondly Why Me?
Oh how I wish someone had the answer to that million dollar question.
And now that I am ready to start my story I am really not sure where to begin.
I am at home in bed, it's a Saturday afternoon. I have been home from hospital for 2 days.
I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last Wednesday, only she's not here with me as she should be, she is in heaven and I miss her like nothing else on earth.
My heart is utterly broken.
But not for the first time, you see I had another beautiful baby girl 7 years ago, she is also in heaven and not a day has passed where I don't miss her terribly also.
How could this happen to me again? Why?
Today I feel the weight of a ton of bricks bearing down on my chest, I can hardly breathe, I can't stop crying. I'm going on a journey only it's not a new one and I know what's coming up around the next corner. I don't want to do this again, IT'S NOT FAIR!
I am tired and weak and oh so weary and I need to find some strength to cope from somewhere. It'll show up, it did last time. Just not today.
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